Better Understanding
A complicated person, but aren’t we all
Cesar is strange, because of how he shows his care, and because at one point he didn’t care at all. He likes flowers and sunshine and all the compromises that made his mind so frantic. Kindness carries him forward because he’s afraid of falling back into the sadistic tendencies he grew up with.
In the Early
Cesar was strange as a child, he played with the leaves and flowers and liked pretending that they were people. He made them fight in war. There were a lot of complicated, survivalistic, sadistic and painfully hurting things inside little Cesar’s brain.
Till come the age of 13 and love leaped off of a building high in the stars and took Cesar’s hand along for the journey. Love changed everything, it’s difficult to say if Cesar genuinely ever felt anything besides his sickness before this new emotion; before love, Cesar felt numb and cold. Cesar fell utterly in love with a girl he’d barely met because she was kind to him, he felt cared for and that was more than anything he had before. He wrote her poems and expressed his thoughts and love but through all the pretty words the sickness in his head made things hurt. They were only children, and Cesar had a lot to learn before love would be a blessing and not a lesson. She left him, because it wasn’t her responsibility to heal him, but he didn’t want to let go, so he held onto her words and felt their subtle stings and burns. Slowly sanitizing the insanity and teaching him empathy.
& Not Long After
For the next few years of Cesar’s life as a teenager, he had come to take a new perspective which love had taught him, one of empathy and care, to learn and understand each other rather than take advantage of one another.
The journey from here on out came to be one of finding himself, and the constant aim to grow more and more empathy for the world around him. Cesar sought out this growth and learning while also seeking out something much sweeter; Cesar was seeking affection in any way that made him feel cared for. So, he learned from the kind and similarly complicated individuals willing to feed him affection and honest hurt sewn into the sutures of healing wounds. He cared for dying souls and engaged in transactions of care and feelings that felt so awfully close to love. He was hurt by many people in this process, but this pain was voluntary, so the suffering was fair. Just a part of better understanding the flaws that make us human, and tests of patience to practice empathy. To become altruistic. To tear himself apart enough to learn how to genuinely love.
To be an absolute addict to affection
& So We Find,
For Now
Cesar never stopped writing, but his poems were no longer for the person he once loved, now he writes so he can remember the lessons he’s been taught. A way to emulate all of the pain. To remember the circumstance and relive it just enough to understand, but not enough to go back to the things that were already dead.
He placed the lessons he learned of love in a collection of Poetry, to set a precedent of the things that went burned into his heart and carved into his veins. An establishment of kind and hurtful words thought, “Under the Lemon Tree”.
I write so I don’t forget the lessons I’ve been forced to learn through suffering, because what a torture to live things over. No one deserves to suffer, but we all have a lot to learn, until we can live and love.